Alone.

I love it when you say all those things to me
And I believe you my dear, in truth I do.
But believe me when I say, your love is long lost
Wasted on a living human remanants
Remind me love, why is it you seek to comfort me
When I am inudated in my misery, in my sorrow
Life is not but a fleeting speck of dust in the wind to me
So dry and despontant
Love, what a terrible little folly
Makes people lie to make something of themselves
Sweetheart, you do not love me.
You love the idea of me
Argue against this ideal all you want, but its the truth
I do not belong at your side, nor within your grasp
Your corny little comments never cease to make me smile
But our world that we have created with its comforting warmth and love
Was never real to begin with..

Lost Love

Saying goes, "Absense makes the heart grow fonder."
But it doesn't, what a hideous sham
It makes you fall to your knees and pour your pain
Heart pounding, eye burning, irrevocable, earth shattering.
You beg to the gods in heavan
"How could I fall for such a perfect tomfoollery"
Laying on the floor, heart and soul spilling out to the tear soaked Earth below.
How could you leave, my dearest love, my heart's content.
A value immeasurable in any humanistic standard
How dare you make an attempt to walk down that same down trodden path
Heart broken, tear shedding
My arms grasp the air to find you
I see you, oh I see you but you're not there
Subconscious tricks on a bleeding heart
Can we meliorate our long lost love
Or will it be lost to the angels song
A broken tune in a valley of music.

Funny.

I love how people think that if something bad happens to them, all they have to do is just do something to someone else on the opposing team and everything's ok and even.
The Truth of the Matter; everyone is loved by someone.
You kill one person, or you hurt them, and you hurt everyone that they matter too.
How can you justifing causing pain to someone purposely?
"Oh, he just pissed me off." "He killed my father." "He hurt my sister."
Oh yes, the last two reasons, I understand.
They hurt your loved one, you want to hurt them back.
I'm all for that.
But when it is someone who is innocent, whether they did something or not.
Why hurt them?
Why must you cause them pain?

....

I dont even have strenght to type.

Friends. Load of bullshit.

Isolation equals happiness.

I have 5 close friends I can say confidently won't fuck me over. I hope.

I need to get out.

Confusing.

Love. That subject you'll probaly hear a lot about. I am a young soul, battered throughtly but not uncapable of love. I care immensely about certain people. Currently there are two main ones I'd do anything for, but sometimes I wonder..more than the other? He makes me light, I haven't felt that in years. He makes me laugh with the stupid things he says, no matter how corny. He makes me smile with his scoffocating cuteness. I may sound stupid, but he gives a warm cuddly feeling that I've yearn so much for. But now, the one that gave me that the first time then left me is coming back into my life once I've found this new comfort. I'd rather die a thousand deaths if it made sure that neither of them could get hurt. And now with this torment of my heart, a once dear friend confessed I broke his heart. Am I that cruel? Do I have no soul? Maybe this is just the intense teenage dopamine talking. Like. Grr. Ha.. I keep pulling my hair out over this. These love songs that keep playing..why is your face keeps coming to mind when its suppose to be him? Right? To be honest I don't know anymore. I love them both, terribly, so much it phsyically causes me to drop to my knees in exhastion. My heart cannot take constant tearing. What am I suppose to think? You both tell me you love, you both say you won't leave. Except one has but he came back. The other just needs someone to love. I honestly don't think I'm good enough for anyone. I can't really make them happy, and when I try to hard I tend to mess it up, like the last relationship I had. I really did love him, I cared for him, but I wanted it to be so perfect I risked it all for selfish reasons and I loathe myself entirely for it. But now..I'm lost in this aspect to. There are books, magazines, articles, on love. But how much do they really help. How much can the scientific aspect intervene without the emotional? Can I make a logical choice? That I am certain I cannot make at the risk of losing either of them. Tell me. What am I to do? Maybe, I should just be alone. People wouldn't get hurt so much then from actions that I do.

I ponder.

What is a friend. I do not ask you this, though it is in standard question format. I have my own definiton. The one it is not, however, describes a type of person that I could not, for the life of me, understand their intentions. Is the human race, or perhaps just a human in its lonesome, a greedy, selfish, hurtful existance? Why is it that people hurt each other; murder, rape, kidnapping, torture, lies. Is this world so cold now. But I do ask you this, my dear reader. What, or why, would make a person be so cruel? It is not my fault, yet I take responsibilty. I am in no parts innocent of the ill fated antebellum. But what it is, I suppose, is I took this Said Person's happiness away. But looking at the facts, the miniscual details, that this Said Person did, that happiness was being tortured, twisted, tormented by the mere thought of them. I couldn' t bare to see them hurt, so I let them move on. I told them the truth. Was I not suppose to do that? Now my consquences where dire. This Said Person tore up a dear friend, and made me lose a not so close one. What gives Said Person the right to do so? I act invisible in everyyday life, binding my patience and time, trying to be nice, constantly. Is that not enough? Must I degrade myself into this lower form life being, not worthing of even walking in the same Earth Said Person does? Or do I rise, much like the Phoenix of lore out of its Death Ashes, into the eternal Damnnation I have already driven myself to and simply live? I am lost. I do not know who I am anymore. Said Person has made me question me, question my already quivering sanity, my existence. Am I good enough?

Here, Now.

Ever sort of had that feeling, that horrible, sinking, darkest pit of despair feeling after you realized just how much you are alone in this world. That friends you thought you could once lean on for support when the sky came crashing down were nothing more than a bunch of charlatans? How do you try, or at least start, to build yourself into a stronger, independent person? A revelation must be acheived to a point, I suppose; a line drawn. Between fantasy and reality - you can't get what you really want. How do you turn off that caring gene so to speak, to ache to comfort people who only want for themselves yet you can't bear to see them hurt/ When it is clear as day nothing good could possibly come out of it, yet here you are, standing at midnight in the rain at their door because they "needed a friend". Where were they when you needed one? Sometimes selfishness is the only way we can survive in a dog eat dog world. But for a second, just a moment, can we erase the word "I" from our vocabulary and do good to benefit someone else? But I guess It won't happen. It never does.